pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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