Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
