Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
