I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The ass gains better be worth it
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