Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
