the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
