just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
