found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
