woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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