We need to start having sex underwater more often.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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