I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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