a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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