Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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