One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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