And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
