Can Purell be used as lube?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
