does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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