If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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