Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
