There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
