I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
