nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
