I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
