I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
