I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
