VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
