Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
