help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
