This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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