I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
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I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
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I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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