please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
