Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
