My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
