I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
