Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
