Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
