I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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