Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
