they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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