There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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