god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
