I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
