i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
