you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.