you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I had to cum in my sink.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
