Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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