We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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