take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dignity is for republicans.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
