The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
