i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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