my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize