also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
