dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
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Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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