This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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