Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
