I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
