You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My penis needs a shock collar
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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