(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
