made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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