its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
worst night to have a conscience
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
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